One Hand Clapping

Last night I was taking a shower. I was serene and content. My focus was on my body and the water. I was not thinking about the future or the past. I felt, on a deep level, I had everything I needed. The present moment was perfect and I was content to rest in it.

At that moment a disturbing thought creeped into my mind: "What's the point?"

Essentially, my ego was asking: "If you have everything you need right now and can never really add anything to who you are then what's the purpose of it all?"

Now, this may sound strange but it makes sense that my ego would be puzzled. I have lived my entire life focusing on finding satisfaction in the future and adding to my ego.
-For years I believed I could not be happy until I found a soul-mate.
-At school I often felt that I could only be content and satisfied until I finished my work (which of course never happened due to the constant stream of assignments).
-I often day-dream about scoring a winning goal in a soccer match or being a world champion table tennis player. These thoughts of the future offer the promise of fulfillment and satisfaction.
-I have often thought that I could not be satisfied until I had enough money. Many times I have thought about how great it will be once I am rich and successful.
-On a micro level, I constantly have thoughts of not being satisfied until:
I am out of a boring/uncomfortable situation, I can get out of a situation that made me nervous, I can have another slice of pizza, I can sit down at the end of the day and watch television, I can finish my errands, etc. etc.

Simply put, my entire life has been resisting - sometimes overtly and sometimes subtly and unconsciously - the present moment in order to find fulfillment in the future. In doing so, I have been identified with my ego, that evolutionary adaptation that is constantly seeking to accumulate and plan for the future.

When I stopped believing the ego's story of needing the future, my mind became confused and had no idea what to do. It had been trained to look towards the future my entire life. Most days in the shower, I day-dream about doing something great or think about the work for the next day. By just being present with the moment, my mind's habitual motion stopped and it got confused. "What's the point?" "What's the point of living if you can't add to yourself?" "What's the point of living if there's nowhere to go on the deepest levels?"

After having that thought, my consciousness expanded a bit and I became more aware of the water, of my body, of the screen. It all existed and was beautiful. I recalled the Zen Koan: "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" Being conscious of life was one hand clapping. This was consciousness alive. This was Yes! There was nothing I needed from the world in order to be complete. Sure, I will want food and entertainment and money but I can live aware of life (the present moment) because I don't need my attention to be elsewhere in order to "find myself."

Two hands clapping is living in order to add to oneself or get somewhere. This is living with a perceived distinction between oneself and the world. Living in the present moment, with no need for the future to build one's ego, is living in oneness. It is the silent clap that in actuality is so much louder than two hands coming together.