Girls

My mind is usually calm. My heart is usually content.

The one thing that throws me into chaos is when I meet a girl I really like. Thoughts arise: "I should be with her. Being without her sucks." My heart feels tight and achy.

I now know that someone else can never make you happy, but I believe someone else could make you happier --- in other words, you need to be content with who you are but there are certain people with which you can have a more enjoyable time.

Yet I am ever aware of how my desire to be with the girl is coming from an egoic place. A place of wanting, of possessing. It is so easy to see how the obsession could become love and then turn to hate. As of now, she is someone who makes me feel great. She would be easy to love. If she broke up with me, cheated on me, or no longer had that effect on me I could easily become jealous or angry.

Am I overthinking things? Maybe.

But I think it's good to aware of how after meeting this girl, there is a belief within me that things aren't good enough without her. I almost feel that I would be better off never having met her because now there is longing.

Clearly I am not in touch with the source. I am not aware of the bliss of being which has nothing to do with content.

At least this is spiritual practice: Observing the wanting, the anger, and the feeling of rejecting any moment in which I am not with her.