Internal Split

I am starting to feel the once common "internal split." This pernicious sensation results from my mind not wanting the moment to be as it is. It is occurring now because I don't have a job, feel fear, and am anticipating some future moment as offering me security and peace of mind. I feel I cannot be at ease until I have a job. After all, I don't have much money and I feel the pressure to find work.

I've realized that entertainment and other pleasurable activities (Such as eating sweets) are so desired because they give us a short period of time in which we stop feeling that we should be somewhere other than where we are. When we are sinking our teeth into a candy bar, we are usually at one with that moment. We forget our thoughts of needing to find a job, or find a partner, or make more money, or become smarter, or get healthier, or solve our problems.

I can sense this internal split as a pulling in my heart. It is as if my heart is being torn apart when I want the moment to be something other than what it is.

Can I accept this internal splitting, be with it, and thus not create an additional level of suffering? I know I should. It's hard when my mind is a frequent flyer away from this moment, always cruising to some sunnier destination where I am employed and have a growing bank account (instead of a rapidly shrinking one).

We all just want to feel that this moment is okay. We just want to be able to be here fully in the moment. That's what our heart wants. That's what we truly want. Of course our conditioning, our culture, the advertisements, our internal voice, and our habits keep telling us that things are not okay at this moment - that we should not relax into the now and give our full attention to life as it is. Fear and desire propel us forward on an endless search for that promised land of peace.

Today, as I was driving in the car, I could feel my heart closing as a result of my internal split. A scream of "NOOOOO" emanated automatically from my lips. I can feel the life force being blocked as my mind rejects what is.

But I'm tired of running. I tried that. I tried getting and achieving and accumulating. I know none of that offers peace. But this desire for a job is the strongest desire I've yet encountered. Can I be with what is? I pray that I can.