One Hand Clapping

Last night I was taking a shower. I was serene and content. My focus was on my body and the water. I was not thinking about the future or the past. I felt, on a deep level, I had everything I needed. The present moment was perfect and I was content to rest in it.

At that moment a disturbing thought creeped into my mind: "What's the point?"

Essentially, my ego was asking: "If you have everything you need right now and can never really add anything to who you are then what's the purpose of it all?"

Now, this may sound strange but it makes sense that my ego would be puzzled. I have lived my entire life focusing on finding satisfaction in the future and adding to my ego.
-For years I believed I could not be happy until I found a soul-mate.
-At school I often felt that I could only be content and satisfied until I finished my work (which of course never happened due to the constant stream of assignments).
-I often day-dream about scoring a winning goal in a soccer match or being a world champion table tennis player. These thoughts of the future offer the promise of fulfillment and satisfaction.
-I have often thought that I could not be satisfied until I had enough money. Many times I have thought about how great it will be once I am rich and successful.
-On a micro level, I constantly have thoughts of not being satisfied until:
I am out of a boring/uncomfortable situation, I can get out of a situation that made me nervous, I can have another slice of pizza, I can sit down at the end of the day and watch television, I can finish my errands, etc. etc.

Simply put, my entire life has been resisting - sometimes overtly and sometimes subtly and unconsciously - the present moment in order to find fulfillment in the future. In doing so, I have been identified with my ego, that evolutionary adaptation that is constantly seeking to accumulate and plan for the future.

When I stopped believing the ego's story of needing the future, my mind became confused and had no idea what to do. It had been trained to look towards the future my entire life. Most days in the shower, I day-dream about doing something great or think about the work for the next day. By just being present with the moment, my mind's habitual motion stopped and it got confused. "What's the point?" "What's the point of living if you can't add to yourself?" "What's the point of living if there's nowhere to go on the deepest levels?"

After having that thought, my consciousness expanded a bit and I became more aware of the water, of my body, of the screen. It all existed and was beautiful. I recalled the Zen Koan: "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" Being conscious of life was one hand clapping. This was consciousness alive. This was Yes! There was nothing I needed from the world in order to be complete. Sure, I will want food and entertainment and money but I can live aware of life (the present moment) because I don't need my attention to be elsewhere in order to "find myself."

Two hands clapping is living in order to add to oneself or get somewhere. This is living with a perceived distinction between oneself and the world. Living in the present moment, with no need for the future to build one's ego, is living in oneness. It is the silent clap that in actuality is so much louder than two hands coming together.

Unlikely Spiritual Practice

On Wednesday nights I head over to the local gym for the weekly table tennis club. Tonight my first match was against Adibh, a tall Pakistani man. We started the game and I quickly grabbed the lead. Adibh got extremely angry at himself, cursing and muttering under his breath. He would shake his head and glare menacingly at his paddle. There was a tangible energy of frustration and disappointment around him throughout the match. I could almost feel the pain he was experiencing at losing the match.

I tried to maintain my calmness and poise but I could feel myself being drawn towards his negative energy. When I made a mistake, I began to feel the urge to swear and be upset. When I won a point, I started feeling the urge to trash talk. While I had just wanted to have fun and enjoy the game, I began to be wrapped up in the confrontational and negative energy.

I plan on going on a silent meditation retreat for 6 weeks this fall. I envision that month and a half being excellent spiritual practice. Yet, as I was playing this table tennis match, I realized that Adibh was being a tremendous spiritual teacher. He was helping me realize the negative energy and anger within myself. By bringing out that side of me, he was enabling me to engage in spiritual practice by observing the emotions but not reacting to them.

My Favorite Activity

As I begin to fall asleep, I enter a semi-dream state while I am still awake. The dreams and thoughts flow through my mind and seem so real; then, suddenly, I realize that what seemed so real is just a fleeting thought with no inherent reality. The only thing that is real is what is occurring in the moment - me, laying on the bed. Everything else is a projection of the mind.

Awakening to that realization is the most fulfilling experience I have. On some nights, it happens several times. I will begin to fall asleep, get caught up in believing the thoughts in my mind, and then realize they are just thoughts. The cycle can continue several times. It feels like a cosmic game of peek-a-boo.

There is an old saying: "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." I would like to alter it: "A mind is a terrible place to live." When we live in our minds and accept the reality of all our thoughts we become worried about the future and dismayed about the past. When we realize that thoughts are just fleeting energy forms and true reality is the present, we open up and life becomes beautiful.

Wanna Get Away?

Southwest Airlines advertises its cheap flights by showing people in uncomfortable situations who want to escape. The message is that you can get out of any embarrassing situation by flying out of state.

There's the guy at a club who tries to impress a girl by break-dancing. He ends up knocking over the DJ Station, the music stops, and the entire club stares at him.

There's the basketball player who steps on the court for the first time, rips off his sweatpants, and finds that he forgot his shorts and he's just in his underwear.

There's the guy who misunderstands the instructions and throws his videogame controller at his friend's television, breaking the flat screen.

These ads resonate with Americans (the "Wanna Get Away" ad campaign is entering its tenth year) because people normally deal with uncomfortable situations by removing themselves from them. People believe that spatial distance will bring freedom from uncomfortable thoughts and emotions.

But everyone knows that troublesome thoughts don't stop at the border.

So what's the solution?

One really "gets away" from the thoughts and feelings by just paying attention to them. Sit down, close your eyes, and focus on the thoughts and feelings. If there is fear, feel it. If there is embarrassment, feel it. If there is worry, feel it. Emotions and thoughts are energy and the only way to dissipate the energy is to give it full attention and let it run its course. After a while, you will realize that emotions are just sensations. They may be uncomfortable but they're nothing that will force you to pack up and fly cross-country.

Let it Settle

What do we know about our thinking mind?

It never wants to stop.

Need proof? Sit with your eyes closed and try not to think! You can keep your mind quiet for a few seconds. Thoughts will arise before long.

Why does our thinking mind never want to stop?

Well, who would you be if your mind was still, devoid of thoughts?

Your mind doesn't want you to find out.

What would I find out if there were no thoughts in my mind?

Who you really are.

Let me quote Huang-Po, the great 9th century Zen Master:

“The approach to enlightenment is called the Gateway of the Stillness beyond all Activity. If you wish to understand [reality], know that a sudden comprehension comes when the mind has been purged of all the clutter of conceptual and discriminatory thought-activity. Those who seek the truth by means of intellect and learning only get further and further away from it. Not till your thoughts cease all their branching here and there, not till you abandon all thoughts of seeking for something, not till your mind is motionless as wood or stone, will you be on the right road to the Gate.”

A mind as motionless as wood or stone is a mind with no thoughts.

How does I completely quiet my thinking mind?

How do you settle the snow in a snow globe? Stop shaking it and set it down.

So too with your mind: Sit down and let it settle.