Sitting with it

I just sat for about 20 minutes with that sensation of the internal split/the breaking heart. I feel more calm, as if some damage has been repaired. It's scary how little it takes for our hearts to close and split - indeed, all it takes is a few hours (or minutes) of our minds rejecting this moment and projecting ourselves into a future one.

I can't believe I have lived with this condition for most of my life. Over the past week (when my heart was still open) I felt more alive, more open, friendlier, more loving, more present, more aware than I ever have. I constantly was in a state of alignment with this moment. I guess just as the back can be extremely painful when a vertebrae is out of alignment, so too can life be extremely painful when our heart is out of alignment.

There is nothing more tender, more fragile, more vulnerable than our heart chakra. Well, here's to acceptance.

Internal Split

I am starting to feel the once common "internal split." This pernicious sensation results from my mind not wanting the moment to be as it is. It is occurring now because I don't have a job, feel fear, and am anticipating some future moment as offering me security and peace of mind. I feel I cannot be at ease until I have a job. After all, I don't have much money and I feel the pressure to find work.

I've realized that entertainment and other pleasurable activities (Such as eating sweets) are so desired because they give us a short period of time in which we stop feeling that we should be somewhere other than where we are. When we are sinking our teeth into a candy bar, we are usually at one with that moment. We forget our thoughts of needing to find a job, or find a partner, or make more money, or become smarter, or get healthier, or solve our problems.

I can sense this internal split as a pulling in my heart. It is as if my heart is being torn apart when I want the moment to be something other than what it is.

Can I accept this internal splitting, be with it, and thus not create an additional level of suffering? I know I should. It's hard when my mind is a frequent flyer away from this moment, always cruising to some sunnier destination where I am employed and have a growing bank account (instead of a rapidly shrinking one).

We all just want to feel that this moment is okay. We just want to be able to be here fully in the moment. That's what our heart wants. That's what we truly want. Of course our conditioning, our culture, the advertisements, our internal voice, and our habits keep telling us that things are not okay at this moment - that we should not relax into the now and give our full attention to life as it is. Fear and desire propel us forward on an endless search for that promised land of peace.

Today, as I was driving in the car, I could feel my heart closing as a result of my internal split. A scream of "NOOOOO" emanated automatically from my lips. I can feel the life force being blocked as my mind rejects what is.

But I'm tired of running. I tried that. I tried getting and achieving and accumulating. I know none of that offers peace. But this desire for a job is the strongest desire I've yet encountered. Can I be with what is? I pray that I can.

Eckhart Tolle's Children's Book

Eckhart Tolle, a man who has already brought spiritual awakening to millions, is now coming out with a children's book. Due out on October 31, 2008, Milton's Secret is an illustrated book that will help young children understand the core of Eckhart Tolle's message.

Product Description:
"Eckhart Tolle has a simple message for everyone living in the Now is the truest path to happiness and enlightenment. With co-author Robert Friedman and illustrator Frank Riccio, Tolle now brings his message of the power of Now to children. Milton's Secret is the charming story of Milton, a bright, cheerful boy, who learns to overcome his fear of bullies and other scary things that sometimes frighten children. Children follow Milton's adventures as he learns to stop projecting his past fears into the future and live simply and happily in the moment."

After appearing on a 10 week online webinar with Oprah, Eckhart is doing an amazing job of further spreading his message. A children's book is a natural next step and I applaud this endeavor. My question is whether children will be ready for his message. Especially for kids 10-13, whose egos are just forming, it may be incredibly hard to separate themselves from the voices in their heads in order to recognize the stillness and power of the moment. There is an old saying, "You need to have an solid ego in order to lose your ego." Will Eckhart's message work on partially formed egos? We will see...

Now

There is nothing you need right now in order to be fulfilled, complete, and happy.

Your mind will disagree: "I need to finish this stupid project. I need to pay my bills. I need to have free time. I need to be with the girl of my dreams. I need to become successful. I need to be far away from here. I need to be free from my pain. I need to get home, sit back in my comfy chair and turn on the television. I need to move out of my parents house and find my own place. I need to be respected. I need the worrying to end...."

How can you realize that there is nothing you need changed or need to happen in the future in order to be fulfilled?

Place your attention in your body. Take a few deep breaths into your stomach. Let your stomach rise and fall with each breath. If there is tension or anxiety notice it and cherish it. It will help bring your attention away from your mind. While your thoughts are always moving, your body is always in the present moment. All you seek is right here now.

What is it like to let go, to drop your shoulders, to surrender to the moment? It feels as if a great burden has lifted. You are beginning to recognize a part of yourself that you had never known before. Previously, you thought you were just your mind created story. Now, you are touching the eternal within.

Girls

My mind is usually calm. My heart is usually content.

The one thing that throws me into chaos is when I meet a girl I really like. Thoughts arise: "I should be with her. Being without her sucks." My heart feels tight and achy.

I now know that someone else can never make you happy, but I believe someone else could make you happier --- in other words, you need to be content with who you are but there are certain people with which you can have a more enjoyable time.

Yet I am ever aware of how my desire to be with the girl is coming from an egoic place. A place of wanting, of possessing. It is so easy to see how the obsession could become love and then turn to hate. As of now, she is someone who makes me feel great. She would be easy to love. If she broke up with me, cheated on me, or no longer had that effect on me I could easily become jealous or angry.

Am I overthinking things? Maybe.

But I think it's good to aware of how after meeting this girl, there is a belief within me that things aren't good enough without her. I almost feel that I would be better off never having met her because now there is longing.

Clearly I am not in touch with the source. I am not aware of the bliss of being which has nothing to do with content.

At least this is spiritual practice: Observing the wanting, the anger, and the feeling of rejecting any moment in which I am not with her.

What about Good Memories and Planning for the Future?

"By the way, where does nostalgia/remembering beauty of the past and planning for the future fit into the philosophy of NOW? How does one plan a future job, or itinerary, if its necessary, for example?"


So, the teaching is as follows:

There is the world of the manifested (thoughts, material things) and the world of the unmanifested. We all seek fulfillment, satisfaction, safety in the world of the manifested. Either we remember back to times in the past or look towards the future for salvation. Maybe the next job, next relationship, or next award will satisfy us.

However, we can never become truly satisfied with the world of the manifested. Even if we had everything we desired, there would still be a feeling of lack. That is because who we really are is something that is not in the manifested realm.

So how do we find out this unmanifested part of ourselves when we are living in the manifest world? As thoughts are part of the manifested realm, we must go beyond thought. Thoughts about past and future will only lead us farther away. Even thoughts about the present lead us away. What we need is to still our mind, so there are no thoughts. As the manifest dies away, we can experience the unmanifested.

The only way the mind will become still is if we believe, truly believe, that salvation will not come in the future or can be found in past experiences. Otherwise, we will continue to live through those thought forms.

When we realize the unmanifested that is who we are, and that underlies everything in the universe, then we can begin to function appropriately in the world of the manifested. For, we are no longer trying to FIND ourselves through the manifested. We can remember past experiences, but one will find that there will be little need or desire to do so.

When we do have to plan for the future, we can do so without fear for we realize that nothing we do in the future will really affect who we are on the deepest level. The forms can change but we have found we are formless. This means that planning for the future will be practical and not consume our mind all the time.

Time

Our perception of time is directly related to our awareness of our physical body.

Time goes fastest when we are not aware of our body.
Examples:
Sleeping (we have no awareness of our body and hours pass by in an instant)
Watching a movie(we have minimal awareness of our body as most of our attention is absorbed by the movie and so time goes fast)

However, if that movie is boring, time will seem to go slowly because our attention is not absorbed in the film and we become aware of our bodies once again.

Time goes slowest when we are very aware of our body.
Examples:
When we have to go to the bathroom! Time goes so slow because we are constantly paying attention to our body.
When we have nothing to do and are bored. Time goes slowly because our mind isn't occupied with anything and so we can become aware of our body.

What can we learn from this:
1) Everyone wants to live longer. But longevity of life isn't what is important. Rather, it's our perception of time that matters. If you want to feel alive longer, become aware of your body. This is a central part of mindfulness. Notice the breath moving in and out of your chest or nostrils.
2) If we were completely aware of our bodies, time would seem to stop. For this to happen, our minds would need to be completely still and our attention would need to be on the present. In fact, spiritual masters tell us that when the mind is still and attention is on the present, it is as if time has no existence whatsoever!

One Hand Clapping

Last night I was taking a shower. I was serene and content. My focus was on my body and the water. I was not thinking about the future or the past. I felt, on a deep level, I had everything I needed. The present moment was perfect and I was content to rest in it.

At that moment a disturbing thought creeped into my mind: "What's the point?"

Essentially, my ego was asking: "If you have everything you need right now and can never really add anything to who you are then what's the purpose of it all?"

Now, this may sound strange but it makes sense that my ego would be puzzled. I have lived my entire life focusing on finding satisfaction in the future and adding to my ego.
-For years I believed I could not be happy until I found a soul-mate.
-At school I often felt that I could only be content and satisfied until I finished my work (which of course never happened due to the constant stream of assignments).
-I often day-dream about scoring a winning goal in a soccer match or being a world champion table tennis player. These thoughts of the future offer the promise of fulfillment and satisfaction.
-I have often thought that I could not be satisfied until I had enough money. Many times I have thought about how great it will be once I am rich and successful.
-On a micro level, I constantly have thoughts of not being satisfied until:
I am out of a boring/uncomfortable situation, I can get out of a situation that made me nervous, I can have another slice of pizza, I can sit down at the end of the day and watch television, I can finish my errands, etc. etc.

Simply put, my entire life has been resisting - sometimes overtly and sometimes subtly and unconsciously - the present moment in order to find fulfillment in the future. In doing so, I have been identified with my ego, that evolutionary adaptation that is constantly seeking to accumulate and plan for the future.

When I stopped believing the ego's story of needing the future, my mind became confused and had no idea what to do. It had been trained to look towards the future my entire life. Most days in the shower, I day-dream about doing something great or think about the work for the next day. By just being present with the moment, my mind's habitual motion stopped and it got confused. "What's the point?" "What's the point of living if you can't add to yourself?" "What's the point of living if there's nowhere to go on the deepest levels?"

After having that thought, my consciousness expanded a bit and I became more aware of the water, of my body, of the screen. It all existed and was beautiful. I recalled the Zen Koan: "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" Being conscious of life was one hand clapping. This was consciousness alive. This was Yes! There was nothing I needed from the world in order to be complete. Sure, I will want food and entertainment and money but I can live aware of life (the present moment) because I don't need my attention to be elsewhere in order to "find myself."

Two hands clapping is living in order to add to oneself or get somewhere. This is living with a perceived distinction between oneself and the world. Living in the present moment, with no need for the future to build one's ego, is living in oneness. It is the silent clap that in actuality is so much louder than two hands coming together.

Unlikely Spiritual Practice

On Wednesday nights I head over to the local gym for the weekly table tennis club. Tonight my first match was against Adibh, a tall Pakistani man. We started the game and I quickly grabbed the lead. Adibh got extremely angry at himself, cursing and muttering under his breath. He would shake his head and glare menacingly at his paddle. There was a tangible energy of frustration and disappointment around him throughout the match. I could almost feel the pain he was experiencing at losing the match.

I tried to maintain my calmness and poise but I could feel myself being drawn towards his negative energy. When I made a mistake, I began to feel the urge to swear and be upset. When I won a point, I started feeling the urge to trash talk. While I had just wanted to have fun and enjoy the game, I began to be wrapped up in the confrontational and negative energy.

I plan on going on a silent meditation retreat for 6 weeks this fall. I envision that month and a half being excellent spiritual practice. Yet, as I was playing this table tennis match, I realized that Adibh was being a tremendous spiritual teacher. He was helping me realize the negative energy and anger within myself. By bringing out that side of me, he was enabling me to engage in spiritual practice by observing the emotions but not reacting to them.

My Favorite Activity

As I begin to fall asleep, I enter a semi-dream state while I am still awake. The dreams and thoughts flow through my mind and seem so real; then, suddenly, I realize that what seemed so real is just a fleeting thought with no inherent reality. The only thing that is real is what is occurring in the moment - me, laying on the bed. Everything else is a projection of the mind.

Awakening to that realization is the most fulfilling experience I have. On some nights, it happens several times. I will begin to fall asleep, get caught up in believing the thoughts in my mind, and then realize they are just thoughts. The cycle can continue several times. It feels like a cosmic game of peek-a-boo.

There is an old saying: "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." I would like to alter it: "A mind is a terrible place to live." When we live in our minds and accept the reality of all our thoughts we become worried about the future and dismayed about the past. When we realize that thoughts are just fleeting energy forms and true reality is the present, we open up and life becomes beautiful.

Wanna Get Away?

Southwest Airlines advertises its cheap flights by showing people in uncomfortable situations who want to escape. The message is that you can get out of any embarrassing situation by flying out of state.

There's the guy at a club who tries to impress a girl by break-dancing. He ends up knocking over the DJ Station, the music stops, and the entire club stares at him.

There's the basketball player who steps on the court for the first time, rips off his sweatpants, and finds that he forgot his shorts and he's just in his underwear.

There's the guy who misunderstands the instructions and throws his videogame controller at his friend's television, breaking the flat screen.

These ads resonate with Americans (the "Wanna Get Away" ad campaign is entering its tenth year) because people normally deal with uncomfortable situations by removing themselves from them. People believe that spatial distance will bring freedom from uncomfortable thoughts and emotions.

But everyone knows that troublesome thoughts don't stop at the border.

So what's the solution?

One really "gets away" from the thoughts and feelings by just paying attention to them. Sit down, close your eyes, and focus on the thoughts and feelings. If there is fear, feel it. If there is embarrassment, feel it. If there is worry, feel it. Emotions and thoughts are energy and the only way to dissipate the energy is to give it full attention and let it run its course. After a while, you will realize that emotions are just sensations. They may be uncomfortable but they're nothing that will force you to pack up and fly cross-country.

Let it Settle

What do we know about our thinking mind?

It never wants to stop.

Need proof? Sit with your eyes closed and try not to think! You can keep your mind quiet for a few seconds. Thoughts will arise before long.

Why does our thinking mind never want to stop?

Well, who would you be if your mind was still, devoid of thoughts?

Your mind doesn't want you to find out.

What would I find out if there were no thoughts in my mind?

Who you really are.

Let me quote Huang-Po, the great 9th century Zen Master:

“The approach to enlightenment is called the Gateway of the Stillness beyond all Activity. If you wish to understand [reality], know that a sudden comprehension comes when the mind has been purged of all the clutter of conceptual and discriminatory thought-activity. Those who seek the truth by means of intellect and learning only get further and further away from it. Not till your thoughts cease all their branching here and there, not till you abandon all thoughts of seeking for something, not till your mind is motionless as wood or stone, will you be on the right road to the Gate.”

A mind as motionless as wood or stone is a mind with no thoughts.

How does I completely quiet my thinking mind?

How do you settle the snow in a snow globe? Stop shaking it and set it down.

So too with your mind: Sit down and let it settle.