A silent retreat is like a BRAIN FAST. Just like in a normal fast, if you stop eating you get really hungry. If you stop mental stimulation your brain starts going crazy and feeling really agitated.
That will simmer down after a while but the first few days are rough. I found that the part of my brain that needed stimulation (part that was really bored) was a protection against a really angry critical voice. (see attached journal entry 1 from 90 day retreat)Friday, August 25, 2017
3 month silent retreat - summary!!!
For those who don't want to read the full unedited journal entries (in my previous post), this is what I wrote to my sister when she said she was considering a meditation retreat:
Second point to mention: You are crazy. Your brain is crazy. Your brain - like a dog needing a bone - will always need something to focus on. The smallest things seem like major problems because you start to lose perspective. Pain in back become broken rib. Bump on chest becomes cancer.
Third, Vipassana Romance. If there are men there.... because you are not interacting with them, you can project anything you want onto others on the retreat. Since you have nothing else to do, you will probably do this. First day, dating, second day engaged, third day married, fourth day divorced, fifth day bitter custody battles....
But all in all, carry yourself and your mind as lightly as possible and know that it will be a transformative experience.
What it's like being on a 3 month silent retreat
I came across my journal from my 3 month silent meditation retreat. Technically, we weren't supposed to be writing or reading anything. But, being the rebel I am, I wrote down my thoughts and experiences. Here it is, separated by entry:
--
Why not make the more important decision your focus. Do you want to live in the past, in the present or in the future?
In the past you get sadness, regreat, anger, judgment
If people thought I was nice before, they aint seen NOTHING yet.
--
First thought. What am I doing here? It’s crazy
--
“You will enjoy any activity in which you are fully present, any activity that is not just a means to an end.” Eckhart Tolle
Okay, I think I get it. Don’t wait for enjoyment. Don’t wait for lunch/sweets/tv. I may enjoy those because I am present – nah, I think those activities are just relief from suffering.
--
Concentrated mind, focus on body in present -> joy and enjoyment
Then sneeze -> fear, waters of mind are stirred. Muck arising from bottom.
Hard stare in the eyes. Where has awareness gone? Trapped in the head. Withdrawn. Life removed. Mind wants to escapte from the present. Experience has become choppy, a slow frame rate. I feel like another person.
--
This has happened before. My experience is mainly in my head. It feels like I’m dreaming while awake. Consciousness is trapped there.
I’m confused. Alignment with present moment = joy. Then thought storm, so strong.
How can you be aware of the present when you are stuck in your head. Yes, please tell me that answer. I really want to know that so please, please, please tell me otherwise this pen may run out but really this is central because it will happen so many times in my life – that pull will be fearsome.
If I truly accepted the present moment, then I wouldn’t fight the thoughts.
Just sitting is EASY without a thought storm pull. Everything is easy without thought pull. Food , drugs, cigs, sex all get us out of our head. Trapped in the head is no place to be.
--
Day 15
Finally some mental stillness. Thoughts no longer carrying me away, so much.
Funny, some days I can’t stay conscious for 10 seconds and other days I can be conscious for an hour.
(Editors note, added later in retreat – Who knew, I had it all wrong!!!!!)
--
So here’s the problem:
I don’t want to go.
I like the self, the talker.
Well, actually I don’t think I do so much. It’s angry, mean, repetitive. And all good things, love, you, come when the self/ego is out of the way.
So why do I not want him to go?
I deeply do but he doesn’t?
I deeply do but he doesn’t?
I don’t know what it would be like but I’ve had some experiences. I don’t know where my attention would be. Where would be the focal point?
--
Day 20?
IS THERE ANYTHING I KNOW?
I am not my thoughts.
I KNOW NOTHING. NO-THING. I DON’T KNOW.
… The purpose is to AWAKEN to oneness. That is the point!
--
Ego in Me
“JC Penny – It’s all inside”
- Complainer – not good enough, little more this
- Judger – he’s so insensitive, rude
- Imaginer/ego amplifier – Scoring goals in soccer, being enlightened and teaching
- Right/Wrong – I’m right that this is the way to be
- Negative Mind- anger, hatred
- Resister – Go to next moment/future, nothing here to see
- Fearer – What will they think of me?
- Reminiscer – It was so good when…
---
I tried – really did. Aliveness?????? T.V. = savior
I (heart) TV. TV makes you forget about your problems, your pain. It lets you be free of your incessant mind chatter.
T.V., sweets, drugs, alcohol, sex/romantic pursuit, cigarettes, money keep the world stable, great opiates of the masses
What’s left with no desires or pursuits. With no distractions? PAIN and a lot of it. Sure, some of my pain is physical but anger, despair, sadness, boredom are all waiting for the game show contestant who decides not to play. WE’RE FUCKED
Humans are fucked. Until a great catastrophe most of will keep distracting themselves. Some will slightly awaken but YOU CANNOT DISIDENTIFY WITHOUT GREAT SUFFERING. You can go part way but NOT ALL THE WAY. ONLY GREAT, GREAT SUFFERING WILL FORCE AN AWAKENING
Otherwise, and until then, awakening is just a thing for the ego. A cool thing to achieve and pursue in substitute for money or power which have largely proven devoid of lasting satisfaction.
Humans are doomed to tremendous suffering.
--
Where’s the sugar when you NEED IT?
--
Day 24
What a difference a day makes. Feel blessed. Had spontaneous thought wishing someone enjoyment. Emotional pain is gone – pain body? Aches and pains all over body and back. Power of Now mentioned this could happen upon disidentification. Presence is above thought in the head, rising about the rapids.
What a difference a day makes. Feel blessed. Had spontaneous thought wishing someone enjoyment. Emotional pain is gone – pain body? Aches and pains all over body and back. Power of Now mentioned this could happen upon disidentification. Presence is above thought in the head, rising about the rapids.
--
What does it take to be ego-free? No preferences. Every moment, every moment gets full attention. Never wanting things to be different from the way they are. This appears impossible. I’m always looking ahead or not giving the moment full attention. It also does not appear fun. It represents death for the self, which is defined in large part by its preferences.
It is becoming 1 with life. It is the elimination of separation. All we have known is pursuing preferences, living dualistically. No wonder so few seekers become finders. Is living oneness possible without direction experience of the unmanifested?
It is harder, there is less support. To consciously die moment after moment without a feeling-realization of who you are.
But, joy is your guide. Every action becomes enjoyable.
Beware – the mind won’t accept this lying down.
But- the universe, the source wants you to succeed. That is how much this matters.
This job is not for you to finish but neither are you free from desisting to start.
--
Will I ever get to see my story’s ending?
Show me what it’s for.
Make me understand it.
I’ve been crawling in the dark.
Looking for the answers.
Is there something MORE, than what I’ve been handed. I’ve been crawling in the dark.
Show me it’s okay to
Use my Heart and Not my Mind to navigate the darkness..
--
Death. Finality comes at most 70 years. 40 in good health. But could come tomorrow, today or tonight. Can you DIE before the angel gets you?
But I don’t want to die. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
LIFE IS BIGGER. BIGGER THAN YOU AND YOU ARE NOT ME
--
$$
I want to make a lot of money. Millions. So I can be somebody and feel good and special so I won’t feel fear and feel small.
--
Chocolate PLEASE, Chocolate PLEASE
--
Many thoughts. “Thoughty”
No space
No room for presence
No room for others.
Passing storm. Not too much you can do. Well, is this me? NO
I feel most myself with a lot of presence and a lot of space
When I think of myself without presence I think of myself in middle school. There was no jeaux de vive. Much fear, trying , conforming. A closed system. This being (me) closed = decent. This being open = awesome!
--
I JUST WANT TO FEEL ALIVE
HELP UNIVERSE. I JUST WANT TO FEEL ALIVE.
YOU CAN’T SEND ME HERE AND NOT LET ME FEEL THE LIFE THAT I AM
I am breathing. So, technically I am not dead. So why can’t I feel the life that I AM?
--
M Looking for W
White Jewish Male looking for White Jewish Female to cover up the deep unease I feel inside. Please make me feel alive. Relationship will continue as long as you keep masking my lack of felt connection to being.
--
Day 40
Felt the deepest joy today. Couldn’t stop smiling at lunch. Came from saying YES to everything that arose inside – backpain, thoughts, boredom, fear
Deep acceptance
Everyone was welcome
Also, for the first time, I had the feeling of being able to fully accept others like “Lion King”, Reggie, Severin
The outside, external doesn’t really matter. Only the internal and being in alignment with what is.
Possible Paths
Ego/Negative conditioned thoughts, emotions -> Not recognized/observed and taken for self -> Inner state will mirror the tone of those thoughts. Hateful, judging, fear, anger
Ego/Negative conditioned thoughts, emotions -> Observed, recognized as not self -> negative response to those thoughts, emotions -> Inner state will mirror negative response, unhappiness
Ego/Negative conditioned thoughts, emotions -> Observed, recognized as not self -> Accepting, loving response to those thoughts -> Inner state will mirror positive response, joy
Welcome all visitors with love and open arms, no matter how crude, sultry or uncouth. They have come and the only thing you can control is your response to them.
Nothing is more enjoyable than being the free watcher… ahhhh
--
Observe (don’t identify) -> Accept ALL -> Have love for ALL -> Your inner state will change
--
I want to go home. Why? Sadness in chest. Miss family.
6 more weeks???
God is only dead to those stuck in their head.
The only things to look forward to:
- Pleasurable experience (sweets, videogames, sex)
- Relief from unpleasant experiences (fear, stress)
- Addition of mental label (Successful, smart, married)
--
TOTALLY FUCKING OUT OF IT. AWARENESS TAKING A BREAK.
--
Completely at ease with myself. Ahh.
(Obama blew out McCain)
(Obama blew out McCain)
When heart chakra is down, there is fear of some sort.
When the heart chakra is down, sexual chakra increases. Usually we interpret sexual desire for someone as being that we have a strong connection to them. But it really means our hearts are somewhat closed.
--
Everyone spends time deciding where to live. City or suburb, East Coast or West Coast.
Why not make the more important decision your focus. Do you want to live in the past, in the present or in the future?
In the past you get sadness, regreat, anger, judgment
In the future you get fear, desire, worry
In the present you get love, joy, compassion peace
If people thought I was nice before, they aint seen NOTHING yet.
--
11/10
Everything is known. Thoughts are known. Feelings are known. By who? Not by the mental construct of me.
The panacea is an open heart.
--
11/13
EGO IS BACK WITH A VENGEANCE
After 5 days of presence, openness, love, herr ego has returned. Thought train strong. Resistance, reactivity hallmarks of the ego. UGH, WILL IT NEVER END? Brussels and PS3, mmm
--
11/15
Okay, so you’re probably going to read this and thing, “yeah, sure, whatever, I feel like crap and my mind is frickin in Honolulu due the papancha dance” but
Metta changes everything
Cultivate loving kindness even when the mind goes, Oh God, not that crap
That’s proof you need to cultivate it.
That’s proof you need to cultivate it.
--
More awareness at any sense door -> better you feel.
More awareness at any sense door -> better you feel.
If I am consciousness… universe is gradually becoming conscious.
Consciousness comes into the world as presence. Only humans can have presences. Animals are not conscious of themselves as consciousness.
I am aware that I am aware. Where is the I?
The knower knows that it knows. Is the knower in the body or does it go beyond the body?
Consciousness creates form to perceive. Consciousness in the human form has 6 senses with which to perceive the world. Humans awaken by becoming aware of the sense doors – that which enables the sense doors to be.
Consciousness creates form to perceive. Consciousness in the human form has 6 senses with which to perceive the world. Humans awaken by becoming aware of the sense doors – that which enables the sense doors to be.
Be aware of yourself as the seer and the hearer. Looking out through your eyes. Be aware of the eye area as you see. Keep some attention within. Otherwise, you get lost in form.
(Editorial note, added later in retreat: Everything works for 1-3 days)
--
Realized today that you have 2 ways of reacting when something unpleasant/frightening arises. 2 choices:
- Become less conscious. Want, worry, seek pleasant experience to cover up the fear and unease.
- Become more conscious. Accept that it is. It has happened. Don’t deepen the suffering.
--
11/23
Feeling energy body in arms. On a 5 day presence cycle.
--
--
11/25
Fear and desire are one.
Desire= wanting something in future to happen
Fear=wanting something in the future not to happen
Both contract the heart
Consciousness (you) come into this world of form through the heart chakra. Open heart = more presence = love, joy, peace
Consciousness can only enter NOW. Consciousness can only enter through a heart that is open. Keep the heart chakra open.
It feels really hard to keep the heart chakra open. Like there is a gravitational pull closing it.
--
11/26
Feel like shit. Swearing every other thought. Quite egoic. Sad, miserable, fucking ego. This sucks.
--
--
Be not quick to judge. 10th grader at Gann who sold drugs. Desperate cry. Need me, make me feel special. Tell me that I matter. Calls late at night – kids seek her out at school. This is the same urge to matter, to find a role, an identity that manifested in Samson stealing keys to show off to others.
We all have the need to feel more important, needed. If parents and family don’t provide that, then friends can. If friends don’t then sports or groups can. If sports and groups can’t then we turn to the illicit side.
--
11/28
Around 13 days left of full silence.
I love Metta. It’s my fave. Only thing that keeps me concentrated. Plus it opens the heart. Vat Cud be Betta?
“Everyone’s changing and I don’t feel the same”
--
11/29
Janet is gay or bi.
Same negative energy emanation as 2 other gay women I know. Where else would the anger, hatred, self-fate and vitriol towards mom come from?
--
It is a bit scary. Every moment conditions the next. Tendencies are strengthened or weakened. Habits are formed. Phenomena are set in motion. Intention matters.
--
We all want to matter. If you feel like you don’t matter you feel angry, bitter, sad and depressed. You often become sick in order to matter as a sufferer or victim. Or you become a bully to matter to those who abuse you – to derive a sense of self and importance from the reactions of others.
But – if you matter too much – you become dissatisfied because you matter a lot but you still aren’t happy. The futility of searching for happiness through feeling important is revealed. Greatest compliment – You matter so much.
--
Sat/lay outside last night and gazed into the starry night. Oh baby, whoa, ahh, space outside -> space inside.
--
12/2
I feel “real” REAL REAL for the 1st time.
--
Life without a scorecard. Just doing. Nowhere to get to. Frightening, empty, open. Full acceptance of what is. Not trying to make anything happen. Things come to you. Valley of the universe, not a mountain.
--
Experience: Twinge of sadness
Thought: Nothing an almond cookie wouldn’t fix!
--
WOW , sometimes you just don’t know when the heart isn’t OPEN.
Egypt was self-enslavement. Pharaoh within us. Enslaved to desire for power, wealth, control, being right. Fear started the enslavement.
--
The power’s out. BUT IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE!!!!
--
Egypt
Why go down to Egypt? Famine/ lack of sustenance
Why Ego gratification? Sense of lack, needing something
At first Egypt was great for Hebrews – they multiplied and grew strong
At first, relationship/ making money/power/drugs/alcohol are satisfying and really enhance sense of self
But at some point you become enslaved by them. They are not so satisfying, painful. You feel trapped with no alternative.
Only plagues – sickness, death of someone close, accident, abuse, loss of job, etc cause one to consider letting go.
But it takes the death of the first born, the death of that which is dearest to you, to cause you to leave
Even on the path you complain and are afraid. All the old habits and patterns, like the generations, must die.
What prevented the Hebrews from leaving? FEAR. 600,000 Hebrews versus 1800 chariots. It takes a miracle, faith, to cross to the other side.
--
The way of the world is to be mired in past and future and chatty thoughts about present
Our schedule in the working life supports the past and future way
Doing things to get them done
Driving to get home
Eating while thinking about other stuff
Looking forward to the weekend
Wishing on Monday morning it was Friday
Thinking about everything you have to do during the day while getting to work
Totally LOST in mind stream
Who schedules 20 minutes of presence? It’s hard, even if you do because the mind has gotten used to complete absorption in the mind stream.
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