Sixpence none the wiser?

In thinking how to start this post, the name of a pop band came to mind: Sixpence none the richer. Could it be that in the time from my last post (6 years) I am none the wiser? Have I learned nothing about spiritual truths in the last six years?

A lot has certainly happened: I've gotten married, lived abroad, become an Executive Director of a non-profit, stopped meditating, and done a lot of mediating. I've also stopped doing Waking Down and feel less attracted to the work of Eckhart Tolle, who was seminal in my spiritual development.

I am also aware of how I am addicted to my phone, to checking email, to filling moments with distraction. Somehow, though, I don't mind it. I've come to a certain level of acceptance around distracting myself. It is what it is. I, like most other people in my community (and dare I say the world) walk around with their phones out, never eat lunch along (because we always have our phones), and sit close with our phones at night laying on the couch.

Six years ago, or nine years ago, I would have been upset with such behavior. It proves that the ego is avoiding the present moment, I would say! Why am I seeking to avoid feelings of discomfort by hooking into entertainment or information? Well, because discomfort sucks. I don't like discomfort. I don't want to feel anymore worry or stress than I already do. I don't want to feel boredom. Part of my acceptance (or resignation) comes from my feeling that I reached the limits of the spiritual search. I feel that I've plumbed the depths. After all, I went on a 3 month silent meditation retreat. If that won't do it, what will? And my goal in that retreat was so clear at the time - to become enlightened. Ironically, my goal of the meditation retreat was to avoid future suffering.

Perhaps I had the wrong approach. Perhaps learning to live and accept the suffering is necessary. But honestly, that doesn't sound like fun. I remember, a time that I was teaching students at Brown to meditate. I had been invited in to a freshmen dorm and I had everyone sit in a circle in silence. Some of the students just started laughing and that led to a conversation about the value of silence. I couldn't understand at the time how anyone could NOT see the value of silence and looking inside. Clearly, that was where the answers were. Clearly, all we needed to do was stop fighting the present moment. Clearly, the problem was our ego that sought salvation in the past and future.

What was so clear then is not clear anymore. I don't know the value of presence now. Is it important to meditate daily? What will that do for me? Why do I want that? Do the answers lie within? Are there even answers?

 So, am I Sixpence none the wiser? If wisdom is having the answers, then yes, I am not any wiser. But if wisdom is an open-minded to the questions, then perhaps I've learned a little.